Mrs. Kowalski

Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go... How is it we're all wrapped around this cybernetic net that no one understands? When do we stop being children and become people? When is the turning point from being someone else's to be your own? I question my own idea of reality, of responsibility and what it is to be a human being? What is that? Who has the answers to all these questions? I do. You do. Everybody knows their own path, I know all the answers to my questions! Still, why do I keep running from them? Why do I refuse to follow the rules and whatever is expected of me? Why do I rebel? I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I have to complain about is myself. How ironic is that? I'm a rebel against myself. Ain't that stupid? Can anyone come over and hit me hard in the head to see if I get better maybe with a seizure?! I deserve to be severely punished for being so disappointed at myself and yet do nothing about it but to feel angry, to feel sad and to feel like nothing could ever make me feel better. I just realized that I hate the fact of moving in with my mother because she makes me confront everything that I hate about myself and maybe that's the only way of getting better. She wants me to be better so why do I hate that? Why do I run away from that? Why am I so scared of becoming a real person? A wonderful one as I know I could be. I use to be so proud of how mature and understanding I always was and now I see that it is worthless to be understanding towards others if your not satisfied with yourself. It is worthless to feel empathetic if you hate to admit that you are weak. Weak and worthless. You see I do know everything that's wrong with me and that's the only good thing I believe I do.