sexta-feira, 28 de janeiro de 2011


As I held her, weak as her "life" proceeded to wish to leave her, she met me at the place she longed to be in. A little village, right outside of London, five hundred years ago. Long blue dress, long dark hair, shining around with those big green eyes. "I've been wanting to come here" she said. "Well, the word got spread around" I replied. "The sun feels so warm, I missed this so much" she said as she leaned her body against mine on the field, autumn trees filled the place with their orange leaves, the horses made the whole scene feel like a celebration of life, of day light. "Am I dreaming?" she asked, I shook my shoulders in the hopes of convincing her that it actually didn't matter. "I miss being human" she said to me, "humanity is overrated" I said trying to make her forget about the beginning but to enjoy the end. "I had friends, I had a family, I mattered", she looked up to me as I said: " you still do".
- I don't, and that's ok, but you do. You spent your whole life surrounded by the people who love you, I spent five hundred years just existing.
 She said as if it was possible to live for that long and continue to feel, to hurt.
- I didn't have a choice.
I told her.
- There's always a choice.
She said while gazing at me with those big green eyes. I said "You know, you are ruining a perfect day with your strange, philosophical blabber". She laughed and kissed me.
- I'd like to enjoy the fresh air, will you enjoy it with me?
She asked.
- For a while.
I said. She leaned her head on my shoulder.

As I felt the fresh air for the first time in 120 years, with my eyes open I still had her dying body in my arms on that filthy bed. I grabbed the wooden stake as I let go of her hand.

On the field, she grabbed my hand harder and thanked me. "For what?" I asked and she replied: " for being this good". It was the first time in a hundred years I had listen to the word "good" being directed at me.
- Am I gonna see them again? My family?
She asked.
- I think you're gonna see whoever you'd like to see now.
- I'm not afraid anymore.

With the stake in my hand I gently positioned it on top of Rose's heart. She interrupted me to ask if I'd like to race her through the woods.
- Well, be aware that you're gonna lose.
I warned her.
- Well I'm older than you, and faster.
She replied with the devil's eyes.
- Oh you think? Well I'm controlling this dream, maybe I'll cheat.
She laughed and said:
- On the count of three.

My hand now strongly tries to fight the will of pushing the stake down her chest.
Even though they were little, my strange tears painfully rolled through my face.
Like my existential crisis of feeling or switching off my humanity kicked in and I was left with the decision to kill her/it or let live.


terça-feira, 25 de janeiro de 2011

Michael told me last night...

I believe in the unsaid, the imperfect, on what's already gone and all we left behind. All those beautiful moments we pictured and that will never be. I believe in Michael and everything he told me about the stars, for I'm his soul sister and he gives me rides across the sky. Michael never cries, he never complains and he never hides. Michael only shines, and breathes and smiles. He's an angel for sure but he can't stop telling lies. We both agree that fantasy and reality are equally relevant. Whatever you create or live, once you forget, ceases to exist. Therefore, once remembered, everything is here and everything is now. It's all real.

Perhaps, instead of trying to go back and fix it, we should make a mental note of asking our future selves for guidance. Right now, ask for it. Perhaps that's the secret, for, once we know we, indeed, need help from our future selves, knowing that, in the future, can make us come back in a completely real way through our conscious(ness) and save us from ourselves.

Whatever may not make sense right now, I know the time is gonna come and you will realize the same thing and wonder and weep for it. "Oh, why didn't I ask myself that before?" Everything could be fine for not only it is a way of self comprehension, it is also an escape and a fantastic way of believing that you, yourself, have the answer to all of your questions. It is a matter of time until you actually have them, but knowing that truth will come might be the most comfortable and practical way of living with yourself. No matter how old you get, you'll always be sure that the answer will come to you and there is no need to worry.

Michael says: "be calm, be sure, be lieve."